As I sit here today I think about the person I have been recently. I am bitter, angry, cynical, hurting, lonely and sad to name a few. I get so tired of reading or hearing about all the happiness in the lives of everyone around me. I know that's horrible of me as a person should always be happy that their friends are happy. And I am usually, I mean I want great things for all of them but sometimes it seems that when they are happy they forget that I am their friend. I have some friends and in this case I use the term very loosely that call me only when they need something. Like a baby sitter when I am not even in town how can I help with this. Or advice on what to do about a woman they were seeing who has suddenly decided they want to break up. Hello I am a 40 year old woman who has never been married and has no kids. How the hell should I know why this woman decided not to see you any more. Does it look like I have any experience with relationships HELL NO I can't even find a guy who wants to go on an actual date they want to meet for sex and that's it.
Which brings on a wave of complete low self esteem. What is wrong with me that people don't want to sit and have dinner and a nice conversation? I know I am not a barbie so maybe the fact that I am a large woman plays into the fact that they don't want to be seen with me. But they are sure OK with screwing me. To me that is just wrong on so many levels. I travel for work which keeps me away from home a lot. I know this is not the ideal environment to start a relationship but the truth is even when I was home for a long period of time I was still alone and watching all those around me build their happy little lives. I have met several guys on my trips and no one has shown any interest. I have even asked a few to have a beer or something but they him and haw about it so I say never mind. Am I really that repulsive? Am I really such a horrible person. Yes I feel that is exactly who I am becoming.
The best thing I have going in my life is my job I am blessed to be working for a company I love and doing something I love however my person life sucks.
I know I suffer from depression I have been on medications for it for several years. Very few people know this as I feel most will think differently of me. So what they don't know can't hurt me. I have tried to talk to my family about it but for people like my grams she just doesn't grasp the concept. She says that's just crap in my day we never took pills to help us get through the day we just did it because we knew we had to. I don't dare post anything negative on facebook or I end up with a barrage of comments like "get over it" or "put your big girl panties on" or "someone elses life is always worse than yours" And you know they are right someone has a worse life than I do however its not their life I am worried about its mine.
I guess I just feel over whelmed with being the only one around me who is alone and unhappy. Will I live I am sure. Will I still get up every morning and put my fake happy smile on my face I am sure I will. And as I move through each day I will be grateful for a job a love and I put all my focus on it because you see that is truly the only thing I have going for me.
I don't write this for sympathy and I really don't know or care if anyone will read it but if someone does, I hope that person will take a moment to think about the people around them. Maybe one of your friends feels as lost and lonely and sad as I do. Maybe you can take just one moment to reach out to someone you haven't seen or talked to in a while and ask them how they are and when they answer really listen. Maybe that smile you see on their face every morning is just as fake as mine.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Strangers watching your kids
Today I did my regular shopping at my local Wal-mart. When I finished I found a lane and stood to wait my turn. A lady in her early 20's pushed her cart up behind me. She had a baby approximately 6-9 months old sitting in the front and a little boy about 4 years old sitting in the back part. After about 5 minutes in line the lady says to me "Ma'am would you mind watching my baby while I take him (she motioned to her 4 year old) to the restroom." I said "sure I can do that." She said "I hate to ask but he has to go" She picked the 4 year old up and took him to the restroom. She wasn't gone long and immediately thanked me upon her return. She then made some small talk by complementing me on my purse etc. As I left she said thank you again and wished me a Merry Christmas.
Now I don't have children so maybe I am looking at this wrong but how in the world could she ask some stranger to watch her baby. I don't look strange or scary or anything but neither did Ted Bundy. She took a great chance and put her child at risk by trusting some stranger to watch him. I just wonder if she has done this before.
Tell me friends is this acceptable? Would you ask some stranger in a check out line to watch your baby?
Now I don't have children so maybe I am looking at this wrong but how in the world could she ask some stranger to watch her baby. I don't look strange or scary or anything but neither did Ted Bundy. She took a great chance and put her child at risk by trusting some stranger to watch him. I just wonder if she has done this before.
Tell me friends is this acceptable? Would you ask some stranger in a check out line to watch your baby?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Modern Technology. Gotta love it.
With today's technology it gets easier and easier to communicate with those around us. Sometimes thats a good thing. I work out of town a lot and texting on my cell phone and chatting on facebook have allowed me to keep in touch with those back home. Texting is a big thing for me since my deaf 83 year old grandmother has gotten a cell phone. We are able to have a conversation without me shouting or repeating everything I say several times. I do still call her once a week but during those calls I basically let her talk to me. I just listen.
That brings us to Facebook. I enjoy the games and chatting with friends. However, I am finding myself more and more appalled by the language and posts of others. I have young nieces who are using fowl language and dropping the "F" word like they are saying hello. Auntie lets them know that this is inappropriate behavior but they do not listen as it continues to happen. It seems if one friend posts something even remotely negative about someone then it becomes this long 20+ comment post and people bicker back and forth. Is this really necessary?
Example: A friend had some issues with drugs and alcohol years ago. During this time he had two daughters with whom he had little to no contact with. The respective mothers raised the girls on their own. He has since made drastic changes in his life and is doing very well. He has been clean for several years and owns his own business. Is he perfect definitely not is he better than he was? Yes. His daughters are now 15 and 19. Recently they have looked up their father and he was estatic to have them back in his life. In the last few days something seems to have changed. Posts and comments have gone back and forth between the daughters, one of the mothers and himself. They tear him down and he tries to defend himself. That causes more comments and more posts. The most recent one, from the mother of the younger daughter, aired more dirty laundry than I cared to know about my friend. Whether the things are true or not I don't know and it really is not my business. what I do know is these things true or not should not be aired on facebook. He choose to not make rude or derogatory comments about anyone. I do think though he should have just ignored the posts. Him continuing to comment on the posts only encouraged the others to rant. And before you ask, I did tell him just that. I chose to text him so as not to cause more drama. I told him I thought he should stop commenting and just let it go. Those of us who know him have forgiven him for mistakes he has made. He is a good man with a good heart and we love him.
I hope for his daughters sake they will give him a chance so they can experience the man we know and love. If they did I am sure they would feel the same way. For his sake I hope he is able to stop defending himself and do what he can to mend the relationships with his daughters.
That brings us to Facebook. I enjoy the games and chatting with friends. However, I am finding myself more and more appalled by the language and posts of others. I have young nieces who are using fowl language and dropping the "F" word like they are saying hello. Auntie lets them know that this is inappropriate behavior but they do not listen as it continues to happen. It seems if one friend posts something even remotely negative about someone then it becomes this long 20+ comment post and people bicker back and forth. Is this really necessary?
Example: A friend had some issues with drugs and alcohol years ago. During this time he had two daughters with whom he had little to no contact with. The respective mothers raised the girls on their own. He has since made drastic changes in his life and is doing very well. He has been clean for several years and owns his own business. Is he perfect definitely not is he better than he was? Yes. His daughters are now 15 and 19. Recently they have looked up their father and he was estatic to have them back in his life. In the last few days something seems to have changed. Posts and comments have gone back and forth between the daughters, one of the mothers and himself. They tear him down and he tries to defend himself. That causes more comments and more posts. The most recent one, from the mother of the younger daughter, aired more dirty laundry than I cared to know about my friend. Whether the things are true or not I don't know and it really is not my business. what I do know is these things true or not should not be aired on facebook. He choose to not make rude or derogatory comments about anyone. I do think though he should have just ignored the posts. Him continuing to comment on the posts only encouraged the others to rant. And before you ask, I did tell him just that. I chose to text him so as not to cause more drama. I told him I thought he should stop commenting and just let it go. Those of us who know him have forgiven him for mistakes he has made. He is a good man with a good heart and we love him.
I hope for his daughters sake they will give him a chance so they can experience the man we know and love. If they did I am sure they would feel the same way. For his sake I hope he is able to stop defending himself and do what he can to mend the relationships with his daughters.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Family Holidays
My first blog is going to be dedicated to a dear friend who finds herself in an odd perdicament. I would like to get your feed back on whether you think divorced spouses should spend their Holidays together or if they should have 2 seperate ones.
My parents have been divorced for many years. They actually still get along well, have attend weddings and funerals for mutual friends without incident. My step mom and my mom even get along, and while they are not the best of friends they can be at a function together and even chat without problems. However, we do NOT celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas as one big happy family.
My friend was married for many years and raised 3 children, all of which are grown. Two of them have children of their own. About 3 years ago her husband of 20+ years decided he didn't want to be married anymore and asked for a divorce. My friend was devastated to say the least. While the marriage was not perfect she had spent her entire life raising the family. The divorce was final in 2010.
Last year and again this year, her kids believe they should have 1 Thanksgiving dinner and 1 Christmas Dinner. They expect their mother to attend the respective dinner along with her boyfriend and spend it with her exhusband, his new girlfriend, her children and of course their grown children and grand children. This year the exhusband wants to host Thanksgiving dinner at his house (the house my friend and him shared together but he now shares with his new girlfriend) She has been told to "show up, shut up, and act like an adult."
I have a problem with this. I was there when he broke her heart and crushed her spirit. I was there to hug her and hand her kleenex when she cried. I watched her slowly rebuild her self esteem, her confidence and basically her life. How can her children act like nothing happened. How can they be so selfish to not think about how this life changing event changed their mother's life. How can they be so selfish to not consider their mother's feelings. They never tell their dad no and they never ask him to compromise however they expect their mother who did not want the divorce to make all the sacrafices and comprimises.
I am offended by how they treat her and would like to know if I am alone in my thoughts.
My parents have been divorced for many years. They actually still get along well, have attend weddings and funerals for mutual friends without incident. My step mom and my mom even get along, and while they are not the best of friends they can be at a function together and even chat without problems. However, we do NOT celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas as one big happy family.
My friend was married for many years and raised 3 children, all of which are grown. Two of them have children of their own. About 3 years ago her husband of 20+ years decided he didn't want to be married anymore and asked for a divorce. My friend was devastated to say the least. While the marriage was not perfect she had spent her entire life raising the family. The divorce was final in 2010.
Last year and again this year, her kids believe they should have 1 Thanksgiving dinner and 1 Christmas Dinner. They expect their mother to attend the respective dinner along with her boyfriend and spend it with her exhusband, his new girlfriend, her children and of course their grown children and grand children. This year the exhusband wants to host Thanksgiving dinner at his house (the house my friend and him shared together but he now shares with his new girlfriend) She has been told to "show up, shut up, and act like an adult."
I have a problem with this. I was there when he broke her heart and crushed her spirit. I was there to hug her and hand her kleenex when she cried. I watched her slowly rebuild her self esteem, her confidence and basically her life. How can her children act like nothing happened. How can they be so selfish to not think about how this life changing event changed their mother's life. How can they be so selfish to not consider their mother's feelings. They never tell their dad no and they never ask him to compromise however they expect their mother who did not want the divorce to make all the sacrafices and comprimises.
I am offended by how they treat her and would like to know if I am alone in my thoughts.
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