As I sit here today I think about the person I have been recently. I am bitter, angry, cynical, hurting, lonely and sad to name a few. I get so tired of reading or hearing about all the happiness in the lives of everyone around me. I know that's horrible of me as a person should always be happy that their friends are happy. And I am usually, I mean I want great things for all of them but sometimes it seems that when they are happy they forget that I am their friend. I have some friends and in this case I use the term very loosely that call me only when they need something. Like a baby sitter when I am not even in town how can I help with this. Or advice on what to do about a woman they were seeing who has suddenly decided they want to break up. Hello I am a 40 year old woman who has never been married and has no kids. How the hell should I know why this woman decided not to see you any more. Does it look like I have any experience with relationships HELL NO I can't even find a guy who wants to go on an actual date they want to meet for sex and that's it.
Which brings on a wave of complete low self esteem. What is wrong with me that people don't want to sit and have dinner and a nice conversation? I know I am not a barbie so maybe the fact that I am a large woman plays into the fact that they don't want to be seen with me. But they are sure OK with screwing me. To me that is just wrong on so many levels. I travel for work which keeps me away from home a lot. I know this is not the ideal environment to start a relationship but the truth is even when I was home for a long period of time I was still alone and watching all those around me build their happy little lives. I have met several guys on my trips and no one has shown any interest. I have even asked a few to have a beer or something but they him and haw about it so I say never mind. Am I really that repulsive? Am I really such a horrible person. Yes I feel that is exactly who I am becoming.
The best thing I have going in my life is my job I am blessed to be working for a company I love and doing something I love however my person life sucks.
I know I suffer from depression I have been on medications for it for several years. Very few people know this as I feel most will think differently of me. So what they don't know can't hurt me. I have tried to talk to my family about it but for people like my grams she just doesn't grasp the concept. She says that's just crap in my day we never took pills to help us get through the day we just did it because we knew we had to. I don't dare post anything negative on facebook or I end up with a barrage of comments like "get over it" or "put your big girl panties on" or "someone elses life is always worse than yours" And you know they are right someone has a worse life than I do however its not their life I am worried about its mine.
I guess I just feel over whelmed with being the only one around me who is alone and unhappy. Will I live I am sure. Will I still get up every morning and put my fake happy smile on my face I am sure I will. And as I move through each day I will be grateful for a job a love and I put all my focus on it because you see that is truly the only thing I have going for me.
I don't write this for sympathy and I really don't know or care if anyone will read it but if someone does, I hope that person will take a moment to think about the people around them. Maybe one of your friends feels as lost and lonely and sad as I do. Maybe you can take just one moment to reach out to someone you haven't seen or talked to in a while and ask them how they are and when they answer really listen. Maybe that smile you see on their face every morning is just as fake as mine.
